i'm just out of my league...

i have recently realized that i am a fish (of the mermaid persuasion, of course) out of water...
let me explain.
so there are two ways the story goes...
in one the mermaid must make a deal with the sea witch to emerge from subaqueous depths to appear to her true love in human form. ah, but the catch is she loses her voice...so unable to really speak her truth, she loses her man to a unquestionably lesser but venomous woman who will manipulate to bend the plot to her will...so our sweet, pure of heart, and lovely heroine must rely on divine intervention and the help of her friends to right the situation...

the other version of the story (starring daryl hannah circa 1984) is that the mermaid comes out to find her man (whom she's already rescued twice) grows legs and is, well, a fish out of water. seems pretty gangsta, right? her human form remains in tact as long as she doesn't get wet. she doesn't understand the way things happen...she doesn't know the rules and the inevitable cruelty that ensues from being "human" almost keeps her from her love...she finds him but must keep her true identity (her Self) from him...

get the theme? not a very good outlook for one of our kind. either way she loses a piece of herself, is forced to lower her standards, falls into traps, and gets hurt along the way...i am not claiming to be quite as pure as either one of these fishy gals but comparatively speaking when it comes to the emotional slate...mine's pretty clean...

what does this have to do with being in a league of my own or out of my league? well i have realized, as of late, that if i am unwilling or unable (due to lack of knowledge or skill) to play the game i am left alone...a beached mermaid...
i can't play with the "playas" because i don't know the rules of the game. nor do i really understand how to use love (which is really the foundation of all emotion) for personal gain. to me it is selfless...and by being selfless in the expression of love so much of the Self is shifted and projected into a forward motion on the path to beauty and grace. Why do you think as humans we desire this so much?...because in it's full expression love is kind of amazing...

loving has always come easily to me...not to say that i am not cautious and particular about who i extend myself to... well...i mean, i try to be...but what i have realized is that even with the amount of experience that my 30 years of inhabiting this body has provided, i am incredibly naive. must be all the time i've spent under water...

the words [i love you] are really powerful. when i say that to someone it is with integrity and force of will that with that emotion comes a package deal that can be summed up very simply: when i love, i love big...and fierce...and with the intention to give myself fully in whatever context needs be. i expect only in return that i am given the same courtesy...well...at least that it is not a fleeting emotion that is stated in the moment for a self-serving purpose...what i mean is that when i utter those words, i fucking mean it...

over the last few years i have heard it many times (let's leave friendship out of this and get to the real point) from men that i have been involved with. the funny thing is...they always say it first...and with a fervor that is almost unnerving. and i have hesitated each time...wondering, "is this guy for real?". the really devitalizing part is that i never stopped to ask myself, "do you really love this man or do you just desire to be loved?"...regardless, each time i surrendered myself to their profession of love and gave them the secret code...meaning (to stick with our current metaphor) i showed them my tail...in all it's shimmering aquatic glory. knowing that this time, this one really means it...and then the net falls and i realize that, once again, i've been had. caught by a slimy fisherman who will either put me on display as a prize catch or strip my scales, fillet me, and sell me off by the pound...(ok, ok...i got a little carried away there) but you get the point...right?

i have always been part of the school of thought that intention is everything...but what i have realized is that intention is really only a concept without the follow through; without the action behind the thought.

my real dilemma lies in my choices...

behind door number one is a bitter and jaded woman, stuck with her tail, who decides to plunge back into the dark depths of the sea, giving up on finding the right one because they are all wolves in sheeps clothing anyway (and that's some weird cross breeding)...

behind door number two she remains hopeful and knows that with faith and purity of heart , if she keeps rising to the surface she will at some point be swept off the shore by her prince...and he will love her tail and all...and he won't mind that she might have to sleep in the bathtub...or stay inside when it's raining (to make my point obvious to those who don't bode well with the symbolism)...he will love her with all her imperfections...in fact he will love her because of them...the point is, ladies and gentlemen, he will JUST LOVE HER...
and she will love him. because he's what she's been searching for...she's been swimming for years looking...

yeah...well, we'll see...this mermaid isn't so sure...at least not right now...
but the heart heals and the will strengthens...

for now i'm going to stick with door number three...and the only thing behind that door is me. the only love affair i am going to engage in is with myself. at least i know what i'm in for that way...and until i catch a glimpse of genuine sentiment or decide to lower my integrity and play the game, i will remain alone (but hopefully not too lonely), out of my league, a fish out of water...but intact...and whole...because i refuse to lose my Self or my voice for a falsified declaration of something as sacred as love...