dear so and so part 3 and counting...

you told me you were selfish...i guess i should have listened.
i witnessed the way you spoke to her, about her...that should have registered as a red flag. and i've been through what she went through...but i didn't see...
i saw what i wanted to...and that tends to skew the image...
you showed me glimpses of how emotionally unattached and cold you could be...but i looked past it...because that's what i do...
...i gave you room to fuck up...and i never held you accountable...because in this state of human condition we learn the most from compassion...
and i never faltered...
...what you saw is what you got...because who i am is apparent in all moments...and i don't try to hide the parts that are shadowed...
..ok. so, i know you are young...and maybe just not really there YET...but shouldn't you be on your way? i mean at 25 shouldn't you have an idea? or at least learn to slow your roll until you can speak the truth assuringly...
"i want to be with you forever"
what?
...forever is a mighty long time, my friend (?), and you can't even make it through a week without some bipolar mid-twenties roller coaster of emotion...
"am i too immature and self-conscious for you ?"
...can i change my answer?
yes...yes, you are...
...and i should have known better...
i mean in the beginning you had to convince me...
"i want to make so many promises to you but i am just going to show you with my actions..."
oh...and you have shown me...everything i need to know...
...and i've loved you regardless...so in effect it's partly my fault...for making it so easy for you...perhaps if i had challenged you more you would have acted like a man...
"i love you, weezy"
really?
...ok...now i'm being bitter...i can say that i have had moments where i felt loved...in fact, at times it was kind of overwhelming...especially given the manic nature of how you expressed it...
...and really...that's what i have been so attached to...the moments where you allowed yourself to be tender...but...now i see in some ways it must have been contrived...or love really is just a fleeting emotion for you...
...sim said it best, "he doesn't really add anything to you. you are you with or without him...yeah, he might be funny or make you laugh...but in the long run you aren't really getting anything out of it...and more often than not...he makes you sad."
...it's about checks and balances...when you add it all up, what do you have?
well...it seems that, with me, you have accumulated a pile up of overdraft charges and unpaid checks (in the form of promises that you did end up making but not keeping)...
...and i can't afford to cover you anymore...the price is too high...and your stock is plummeting...
...and she was right, when i think about it...what do you have to offer me? what am i learning? i was willing to settle for the love...because as i said before, the way you love is overwhelmingly appealing...so are the (empty) promises...well, they would be if there was any merit behind them...it's a girls dream the things you say and the conviction with which you say them...except...ergh!!!! then i wake up...and there you are...but you aren't the you that was there a minute ago...oh shit...i fell for it again...
...you've always said you aren't REALLY good at anything but 'lightweight' good at a lot of things...well if you could make a career out of lip service then you'd be the highest paid in the industry...
...but this is your cross to bear...
...i came correct. with my full self. full integrity. i didn't even play the games i sometimes do. i gave us my best, my all. AND I NEVER FALTERED. so i can rest. my heart will heal.
...but you, well you have to live with your actions...your ego might not let you see it now...but the truth is you never 'did right by me'...but the deeper truth is...that you didn't do right by you. when you lie you really only lie to yourself...the only progress that you really dampen by being untruthful and acting outside of integrity is your own...
...because...i really am 'movin' on up'...with or without you...well...without you because the inconsistency of your actions has been holding me back...
...my path is about facing forward and learning from those things that have caused me to stray so i will recognize them next time...and move along...
...and speaking of moving along...
...i think i've said enough...i've done enough...i've given enough...
...and it's time i leave well enough alone...