Tuesday, June 10, 2008

dear so and so...

we walked off the path for a while before we got to the clearing and sat down. both commenting on the tree we sat beneath and how good it would be for climbing. we might have sat there for the better part of an hour. it would have been longer, but i had to go to work. mostly we talked about relationships (both being love addicts-you and i). i told you my bottom line and you said you would do anything to meet a woman like that. you hadn't really registered in that way for me at that time, but later you told me you had wanted to make love right then...under that tree. i suppose the thought crossed my mind even then. i always have liked your face. that part of your neck where the smooth skin crinkles a little bit. he told you that i said you were my "chocolate fantasy", and i said, "that's not quite accurate".
"we should have a slumber party before you move"
"do you think it would be okay if i kissed you?"
"i planned our whole lives together before we ever even kissed. that day when you were sitting at the dining room table. i felt mad when i came home and you were there with him."
"i'll be behind you with a tin can helmet"
i guess i should have worn my armor. riding a bike down steep hills proved to be the least dangerous of all the things you said we'd do.
some of this sounds bitter. well, i've already told you i'm disappointed. to quote a piece that i wrote a while back,
"i took you at face value and came up short (changed)"
and changed i am.
for the better? yes. in ways i may never tell you. letting you in changed a certain path that i was taking and saved me from making what could have been the biggest mistake of my life. and the life of another. cryptic? yes and it will remain so. this is not for you to understand. but i will thank you for it everyday.
for the worse? well....my spiritual beliefs keep me from thinking anything is "for the worse". but every blow causes a wound. and this is no exception.
at least he had come correct with his disclaimer. vindicated. permanently vindicated. you commented that this was not a disclaimer:
"everything i am doing is for you. for us. so i can be better. for us."
i have learned to be wary of those who make bold statements in the form of a disclaimer.
it allows them to be....well....vindicated. no matter how 'out of pocket' their actions are.
don't think i am comparing you to him. i'm not.
there is no comparison.
"i told you this was how it would be."
"everything else goes on the back burner"
"the thing i am most afraid of is you finding out i am not the man you think i am"
"just let time pass. if we are really IT for each other is will become clear in time."
don't think i don't have compassion for your situation. because i do. you are in a tricky spot. which prompted me to have to get out.
i mean you were right. if you really are for me and i really am for you....it will be. but i can't mask my disappointment. and i can't help that i am hurt.
i had high hopes for the prospect that you offered.
i'm not even sure if that makes sense.
i should always read the fine print when there's a package deal that seems too good to be true.
all of this is me working it out.
i meant what i said,
i love you. no condition. no pretense.
so if it means loving you in relation to her and all of this mess....so be it. at some point i will be able to embrace that.
but for now...
i am NOT the first runner-up.

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