...to open or not to open?
that is the question...
too often i ask myself this after the fact when the file has already been opened and rifled through...
i blame muscle memory. the recall of touch that has (affected) on a cellular level...
memory is defined as:
1. the act or fact of retaining and recalling impressions
2. the ability of certain materials to return to an original shape after deformation.
except...in the case of re-opening the ex-files...i rarely return to my original form...and it takes days, sometimes weeks to recover...
the imprint is there...like a tempur-pedic mattress the weight of him leaves an indentation...
and the deformation of my core is apparent to the outside world (like the scarlet letter)...
i am the depiction of a perfect crime scene...dust me and you will find his prints...one of a kind patterns where he has left his mark...branded me with his presence...
like a grease stain on your favorite white sweater...he doesn't just 'come out in the wash'...
there is this delusional theory that once re-visited the ex-factor may have magically transformed..."people change"...
but they really don't...we all shift and grow...but the fundamental things that make or break a relationship...well, those things persist.
you can re-open the file...move the sentences around, change the structure, read between the lines, summarize the paragraphs, analyze, re-analyze, even destroy some of the evidence but the content remains the same...even altered the file holds the hard facts:
exhibit A: the truth...beyond a reasonable doubt...
we all revisit. it's a human defect to return to where we've once been...
remember marvin gaye "everybody plays the fool"...
reopening the ex-file is reminiscent of the bird who continuously attempts flying through the glass window...at some point the bird figures it out, right? or gets brain damage in the process...
we rarely "close" any file...in order to do so we would have to delete and destroy all evidence, move to a new city, change our name and hair color...you get the idea...witness protection style...and that's just too much work...
so we stay friends, keep in touch, avoid awkward conversations about new lovers, and try to find a space where we just might still fit...like our favorite jeans from a few years back...we jump through hoops, squat, suck it in, whatever it takes to get into them but they just aren't the right size anymore...and even if you get them zipped...as soon as you sit down and try to get comfortable you either can't breath or you rip the seam...
the point is...when it comes to the ex-files...it's best to put the file in the cabinet, buy a good lock, and put the key on the top shelf where you can't reach it. eventually you'll forget it's even there...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
i'm just out of my league...
i have recently realized that i am a fish (of the mermaid persuasion, of course) out of water...
let me explain.
so there are two ways the story goes...
in one the mermaid must make a deal with the sea witch to emerge from subaqueous depths to appear to her true love in human form. ah, but the catch is she loses her voice...so unable to really speak her truth, she loses her man to a unquestionably lesser but venomous woman who will manipulate to bend the plot to her will...so our sweet, pure of heart, and lovely heroine must rely on divine intervention and the help of her friends to right the situation...
the other version of the story (starring daryl hannah circa 1984) is that the mermaid comes out to find her man (whom she's already rescued twice) grows legs and is, well, a fish out of water. seems pretty gangsta, right? her human form remains in tact as long as she doesn't get wet. she doesn't understand the way things happen...she doesn't know the rules and the inevitable cruelty that ensues from being "human" almost keeps her from her love...she finds him but must keep her true identity (her Self) from him...
get the theme? not a very good outlook for one of our kind. either way she loses a piece of herself, is forced to lower her standards, falls into traps, and gets hurt along the way...i am not claiming to be quite as pure as either one of these fishy gals but comparatively speaking when it comes to the emotional slate...mine's pretty clean...
what does this have to do with being in a league of my own or out of my league? well i have realized, as of late, that if i am unwilling or unable (due to lack of knowledge or skill) to play the game i am left alone...a beached mermaid...
i can't play with the "playas" because i don't know the rules of the game. nor do i really understand how to use love (which is really the foundation of all emotion) for personal gain. to me it is selfless...and by being selfless in the expression of love so much of the Self is shifted and projected into a forward motion on the path to beauty and grace. Why do you think as humans we desire this so much?...because in it's full expression love is kind of amazing...
loving has always come easily to me...not to say that i am not cautious and particular about who i extend myself to... well...i mean, i try to be...but what i have realized is that even with the amount of experience that my 30 years of inhabiting this body has provided, i am incredibly naive. must be all the time i've spent under water...
the words [i love you] are really powerful. when i say that to someone it is with integrity and force of will that with that emotion comes a package deal that can be summed up very simply: when i love, i love big...and fierce...and with the intention to give myself fully in whatever context needs be. i expect only in return that i am given the same courtesy...well...at least that it is not a fleeting emotion that is stated in the moment for a self-serving purpose...what i mean is that when i utter those words, i fucking mean it...
over the last few years i have heard it many times (let's leave friendship out of this and get to the real point) from men that i have been involved with. the funny thing is...they always say it first...and with a fervor that is almost unnerving. and i have hesitated each time...wondering, "is this guy for real?". the really devitalizing part is that i never stopped to ask myself, "do you really love this man or do you just desire to be loved?"...regardless, each time i surrendered myself to their profession of love and gave them the secret code...meaning (to stick with our current metaphor) i showed them my tail...in all it's shimmering aquatic glory. knowing that this time, this one really means it...and then the net falls and i realize that, once again, i've been had. caught by a slimy fisherman who will either put me on display as a prize catch or strip my scales, fillet me, and sell me off by the pound...(ok, ok...i got a little carried away there) but you get the point...right?
i have always been part of the school of thought that intention is everything...but what i have realized is that intention is really only a concept without the follow through; without the action behind the thought.
my real dilemma lies in my choices...
behind door number one is a bitter and jaded woman, stuck with her tail, who decides to plunge back into the dark depths of the sea, giving up on finding the right one because they are all wolves in sheeps clothing anyway (and that's some weird cross breeding)...
behind door number two she remains hopeful and knows that with faith and purity of heart , if she keeps rising to the surface she will at some point be swept off the shore by her prince...and he will love her tail and all...and he won't mind that she might have to sleep in the bathtub...or stay inside when it's raining (to make my point obvious to those who don't bode well with the symbolism)...he will love her with all her imperfections...in fact he will love her because of them...the point is, ladies and gentlemen, he will JUST LOVE HER...
and she will love him. because he's what she's been searching for...she's been swimming for years looking...
yeah...well, we'll see...this mermaid isn't so sure...at least not right now...
but the heart heals and the will strengthens...
for now i'm going to stick with door number three...and the only thing behind that door is me. the only love affair i am going to engage in is with myself. at least i know what i'm in for that way...and until i catch a glimpse of genuine sentiment or decide to lower my integrity and play the game, i will remain alone (but hopefully not too lonely), out of my league, a fish out of water...but intact...and whole...because i refuse to lose my Self or my voice for a falsified declaration of something as sacred as love...
let me explain.
so there are two ways the story goes...
in one the mermaid must make a deal with the sea witch to emerge from subaqueous depths to appear to her true love in human form. ah, but the catch is she loses her voice...so unable to really speak her truth, she loses her man to a unquestionably lesser but venomous woman who will manipulate to bend the plot to her will...so our sweet, pure of heart, and lovely heroine must rely on divine intervention and the help of her friends to right the situation...
the other version of the story (starring daryl hannah circa 1984) is that the mermaid comes out to find her man (whom she's already rescued twice) grows legs and is, well, a fish out of water. seems pretty gangsta, right? her human form remains in tact as long as she doesn't get wet. she doesn't understand the way things happen...she doesn't know the rules and the inevitable cruelty that ensues from being "human" almost keeps her from her love...she finds him but must keep her true identity (her Self) from him...
get the theme? not a very good outlook for one of our kind. either way she loses a piece of herself, is forced to lower her standards, falls into traps, and gets hurt along the way...i am not claiming to be quite as pure as either one of these fishy gals but comparatively speaking when it comes to the emotional slate...mine's pretty clean...
what does this have to do with being in a league of my own or out of my league? well i have realized, as of late, that if i am unwilling or unable (due to lack of knowledge or skill) to play the game i am left alone...a beached mermaid...
i can't play with the "playas" because i don't know the rules of the game. nor do i really understand how to use love (which is really the foundation of all emotion) for personal gain. to me it is selfless...and by being selfless in the expression of love so much of the Self is shifted and projected into a forward motion on the path to beauty and grace. Why do you think as humans we desire this so much?...because in it's full expression love is kind of amazing...
loving has always come easily to me...not to say that i am not cautious and particular about who i extend myself to... well...i mean, i try to be...but what i have realized is that even with the amount of experience that my 30 years of inhabiting this body has provided, i am incredibly naive. must be all the time i've spent under water...
the words [i love you] are really powerful. when i say that to someone it is with integrity and force of will that with that emotion comes a package deal that can be summed up very simply: when i love, i love big...and fierce...and with the intention to give myself fully in whatever context needs be. i expect only in return that i am given the same courtesy...well...at least that it is not a fleeting emotion that is stated in the moment for a self-serving purpose...what i mean is that when i utter those words, i fucking mean it...
over the last few years i have heard it many times (let's leave friendship out of this and get to the real point) from men that i have been involved with. the funny thing is...they always say it first...and with a fervor that is almost unnerving. and i have hesitated each time...wondering, "is this guy for real?". the really devitalizing part is that i never stopped to ask myself, "do you really love this man or do you just desire to be loved?"...regardless, each time i surrendered myself to their profession of love and gave them the secret code...meaning (to stick with our current metaphor) i showed them my tail...in all it's shimmering aquatic glory. knowing that this time, this one really means it...and then the net falls and i realize that, once again, i've been had. caught by a slimy fisherman who will either put me on display as a prize catch or strip my scales, fillet me, and sell me off by the pound...(ok, ok...i got a little carried away there) but you get the point...right?
i have always been part of the school of thought that intention is everything...but what i have realized is that intention is really only a concept without the follow through; without the action behind the thought.
my real dilemma lies in my choices...
behind door number one is a bitter and jaded woman, stuck with her tail, who decides to plunge back into the dark depths of the sea, giving up on finding the right one because they are all wolves in sheeps clothing anyway (and that's some weird cross breeding)...
behind door number two she remains hopeful and knows that with faith and purity of heart , if she keeps rising to the surface she will at some point be swept off the shore by her prince...and he will love her tail and all...and he won't mind that she might have to sleep in the bathtub...or stay inside when it's raining (to make my point obvious to those who don't bode well with the symbolism)...he will love her with all her imperfections...in fact he will love her because of them...the point is, ladies and gentlemen, he will JUST LOVE HER...
and she will love him. because he's what she's been searching for...she's been swimming for years looking...
yeah...well, we'll see...this mermaid isn't so sure...at least not right now...
but the heart heals and the will strengthens...
for now i'm going to stick with door number three...and the only thing behind that door is me. the only love affair i am going to engage in is with myself. at least i know what i'm in for that way...and until i catch a glimpse of genuine sentiment or decide to lower my integrity and play the game, i will remain alone (but hopefully not too lonely), out of my league, a fish out of water...but intact...and whole...because i refuse to lose my Self or my voice for a falsified declaration of something as sacred as love...
love and yoga...
love is defined as:
-a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
yoga is defined as:
-union of the self with the Supreme Being or ultimate principle.
so in essence what is the difference? when teaching i instruct my students to utilize the breath while moving into and through the poses. with each inhale we have the opportunity to elongate and open and with each exhale to contract and go deeper. this is what love is all about; stretching ourselves, moving inward, strengthening, opening, and going deeper.
yoga is my connection to the divine. love is my religion.
and here is where i digress...from my true self that is...because as of late i haven't really been on point.
i have settled for what was given. not to say that i haven't had moments of unabashed love...because i have...but truly when sitting with myself i realize that my expectations while existing in the realm of human experience are deeper than what i have been and am presently engaging in.
it's laborious to get to this space...like yoga, love can reach parts of you that you didn't know existed and create discomfort...and so we breathe into these places...stimulating the (nervous) system to allow the changes to take place...we learn to appreciate the pose for the ways in which it shifts our physical, spiritual, and mental reality...
...or, as it is in so many cases, we hold the breath, come out of the posture, and say, "i can't do that"...
...and remain stiff, fastened, and disconnected...
back to my digression...presently and as of late i have entertained relationships of the specious nature...and without really realizing i've compromised not only what i receive but also what i can then give...
...allow me to explain...
in the act of yoga (asana) my expectation for myself is to breathe and center myself so that in each moment i can go in to the full expression of the posture...so that the movement comes from my core...and remains dynamic though the execution of conscious inhaling and exhaling...
...and in love...i desire the same...the allowance to engage in the full expression of the posture...and to place my mat beside someone who is willing to do the same...
[...but, he hasn't been...and i've allowed him time and space to try to connect the breath to the pose and even tried to show him the right alignment for the pose (i am a yoga teacher after all)...but instead of relaxing into it and maintaining that connection, he resists...and sometimes i could swear that he abhors my ability to get to that place with ease...there are moments where he admires it too...but still...]
and still i am...
...left with only the thews, faith, and resolve it takes to move on and the clarity of my subsequent desire:
to practice love (and yoga) with...
...egos aside, vulnerabilities visible, hearts open, with the willingness to stay in the pose and breathe our way through the toilsome moments, and love...really love with the tenacity and fervency that is necessary to cultivate and integrate the beauty that comes from this depth...
-a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
yoga is defined as:
-union of the self with the Supreme Being or ultimate principle.
so in essence what is the difference? when teaching i instruct my students to utilize the breath while moving into and through the poses. with each inhale we have the opportunity to elongate and open and with each exhale to contract and go deeper. this is what love is all about; stretching ourselves, moving inward, strengthening, opening, and going deeper.
yoga is my connection to the divine. love is my religion.
and here is where i digress...from my true self that is...because as of late i haven't really been on point.
i have settled for what was given. not to say that i haven't had moments of unabashed love...because i have...but truly when sitting with myself i realize that my expectations while existing in the realm of human experience are deeper than what i have been and am presently engaging in.
it's laborious to get to this space...like yoga, love can reach parts of you that you didn't know existed and create discomfort...and so we breathe into these places...stimulating the (nervous) system to allow the changes to take place...we learn to appreciate the pose for the ways in which it shifts our physical, spiritual, and mental reality...
...or, as it is in so many cases, we hold the breath, come out of the posture, and say, "i can't do that"...
...and remain stiff, fastened, and disconnected...
back to my digression...presently and as of late i have entertained relationships of the specious nature...and without really realizing i've compromised not only what i receive but also what i can then give...
...allow me to explain...
in the act of yoga (asana) my expectation for myself is to breathe and center myself so that in each moment i can go in to the full expression of the posture...so that the movement comes from my core...and remains dynamic though the execution of conscious inhaling and exhaling...
...and in love...i desire the same...the allowance to engage in the full expression of the posture...and to place my mat beside someone who is willing to do the same...
[...but, he hasn't been...and i've allowed him time and space to try to connect the breath to the pose and even tried to show him the right alignment for the pose (i am a yoga teacher after all)...but instead of relaxing into it and maintaining that connection, he resists...and sometimes i could swear that he abhors my ability to get to that place with ease...there are moments where he admires it too...but still...]
and still i am...
...left with only the thews, faith, and resolve it takes to move on and the clarity of my subsequent desire:
to practice love (and yoga) with...
...egos aside, vulnerabilities visible, hearts open, with the willingness to stay in the pose and breathe our way through the toilsome moments, and love...really love with the tenacity and fervency that is necessary to cultivate and integrate the beauty that comes from this depth...
freed from any question of guilt...
...Vindicated.
i recently had some (entirely too intimate) exchange with someone who has this word tattooed on the inside of his wrist. in disneyland lettering. oddly enough this represents him well. disneyland seems like a place where magical things happen and "dreams come true". however, much like this particular man (i use the term "man" loosely), the reality of it falls flat and you are left tired, grumpy, over-stimulated, and displeased. and like this man seems to think himself, due to the sheer force of it's reputation, even with the consumptive and stressful nature disneyland is excused from all fault or responsibility. head hung low, pockets thin, and all things magical seeming a childhood dream you are left to ponder your own inadequacies that keep you from feeling fulfilled.
so point in fact...he couldn't represent himself more accurately.
but back to my point...yes, there is one...
if you do, in fact, live your life in clear integrity and uphold the highest expectation for yourself then what would be so wrong with self induced vindication?
this being said one who comes with the aforementioned integrity would have no need for it...so what's the point?
the force with which one would brand themselves 'vindicated', believing that they are truly absolved, is reminiscent of one who strives for a god like stature. this word and it's definition are most dangerous, as in this case, when it is presented as ...you guessed it...a disclaimer.
i recently had some (entirely too intimate) exchange with someone who has this word tattooed on the inside of his wrist. in disneyland lettering. oddly enough this represents him well. disneyland seems like a place where magical things happen and "dreams come true". however, much like this particular man (i use the term "man" loosely), the reality of it falls flat and you are left tired, grumpy, over-stimulated, and displeased. and like this man seems to think himself, due to the sheer force of it's reputation, even with the consumptive and stressful nature disneyland is excused from all fault or responsibility. head hung low, pockets thin, and all things magical seeming a childhood dream you are left to ponder your own inadequacies that keep you from feeling fulfilled.
so point in fact...he couldn't represent himself more accurately.
but back to my point...yes, there is one...
if you do, in fact, live your life in clear integrity and uphold the highest expectation for yourself then what would be so wrong with self induced vindication?
this being said one who comes with the aforementioned integrity would have no need for it...so what's the point?
the force with which one would brand themselves 'vindicated', believing that they are truly absolved, is reminiscent of one who strives for a god like stature. this word and it's definition are most dangerous, as in this case, when it is presented as ...you guessed it...a disclaimer.
we can still be friends, right?
hmmm...yes, we can still be friends...right after i pull the bamboo splinters from underneath my fingernails...which at this point...is more appealing than spending even one moment with you.
awwww....come on...you didn't think it would be that easy, did you?
see that's the thing...you don't get to HAVE me...
what was that?
you just want to be around me?
ha!
yeah. i'm sure you do...i don't doubt that for a minute.
wasn't that the point in the first place?
but my time can't be spent deciphering between truth, disclaimers, and plain old lip service so...
...no.
i'm sorry, i don't want to get a smoothie with you.
maybe some other time...
...when enough seconds, minutes, and hours have passed
but for now...
i have no free time for you...
...but if it's really that important to you...
(meaning the size of your desire to be around me would have to out weigh your ego)
...i'm $2 the first minute...
and priceless each additional minute.
awwww....come on...you didn't think it would be that easy, did you?
see that's the thing...you don't get to HAVE me...
what was that?
you just want to be around me?
ha!
yeah. i'm sure you do...i don't doubt that for a minute.
wasn't that the point in the first place?
but my time can't be spent deciphering between truth, disclaimers, and plain old lip service so...
...no.
i'm sorry, i don't want to get a smoothie with you.
maybe some other time...
...when enough seconds, minutes, and hours have passed
but for now...
i have no free time for you...
...but if it's really that important to you...
(meaning the size of your desire to be around me would have to out weigh your ego)
...i'm $2 the first minute...
and priceless each additional minute.
dear so and so...
we walked off the path for a while before we got to the clearing and sat down. both commenting on the tree we sat beneath and how good it would be for climbing. we might have sat there for the better part of an hour. it would have been longer, but i had to go to work. mostly we talked about relationships (both being love addicts-you and i). i told you my bottom line and you said you would do anything to meet a woman like that. you hadn't really registered in that way for me at that time, but later you told me you had wanted to make love right then...under that tree. i suppose the thought crossed my mind even then. i always have liked your face. that part of your neck where the smooth skin crinkles a little bit. he told you that i said you were my "chocolate fantasy", and i said, "that's not quite accurate".
"we should have a slumber party before you move"
"do you think it would be okay if i kissed you?"
"i planned our whole lives together before we ever even kissed. that day when you were sitting at the dining room table. i felt mad when i came home and you were there with him."
"i'll be behind you with a tin can helmet"
i guess i should have worn my armor. riding a bike down steep hills proved to be the least dangerous of all the things you said we'd do.
some of this sounds bitter. well, i've already told you i'm disappointed. to quote a piece that i wrote a while back,
"i took you at face value and came up short (changed)"
and changed i am.
for the better? yes. in ways i may never tell you. letting you in changed a certain path that i was taking and saved me from making what could have been the biggest mistake of my life. and the life of another. cryptic? yes and it will remain so. this is not for you to understand. but i will thank you for it everyday.
for the worse? well....my spiritual beliefs keep me from thinking anything is "for the worse". but every blow causes a wound. and this is no exception.
at least he had come correct with his disclaimer. vindicated. permanently vindicated. you commented that this was not a disclaimer:
"everything i am doing is for you. for us. so i can be better. for us."
i have learned to be wary of those who make bold statements in the form of a disclaimer.
it allows them to be....well....vindicated. no matter how 'out of pocket' their actions are.
don't think i am comparing you to him. i'm not.
there is no comparison.
"i told you this was how it would be."
disclaimer.
"everything else goes on the back burner"
disclaimer
"the thing i am most afraid of is you finding out i am not the man you think i am"
disclaimer
"just let time pass. if we are really IT for each other is will become clear in time."
disclaimer
don't think i don't have compassion for your situation. because i do. you are in a tricky spot. which prompted me to have to get out.
i mean you were right. if you really are for me and i really am for you....it will be. but i can't mask my disappointment. and i can't help that i am hurt.
i had high hopes for the prospect that you offered.
i'm not even sure if that makes sense.
i should always read the fine print when there's a package deal that seems too good to be true.
all of this is me working it out.
i meant what i said,
i love you. no condition. no pretense.
so if it means loving you in relation to her and all of this mess....so be it. at some point i will be able to embrace that.
but for now...
i am NOT the first runner-up.
i am MISS FUCKING AMERICA.
"we should have a slumber party before you move"
"do you think it would be okay if i kissed you?"
"i planned our whole lives together before we ever even kissed. that day when you were sitting at the dining room table. i felt mad when i came home and you were there with him."
"i'll be behind you with a tin can helmet"
i guess i should have worn my armor. riding a bike down steep hills proved to be the least dangerous of all the things you said we'd do.
some of this sounds bitter. well, i've already told you i'm disappointed. to quote a piece that i wrote a while back,
"i took you at face value and came up short (changed)"
and changed i am.
for the better? yes. in ways i may never tell you. letting you in changed a certain path that i was taking and saved me from making what could have been the biggest mistake of my life. and the life of another. cryptic? yes and it will remain so. this is not for you to understand. but i will thank you for it everyday.
for the worse? well....my spiritual beliefs keep me from thinking anything is "for the worse". but every blow causes a wound. and this is no exception.
at least he had come correct with his disclaimer. vindicated. permanently vindicated. you commented that this was not a disclaimer:
"everything i am doing is for you. for us. so i can be better. for us."
i have learned to be wary of those who make bold statements in the form of a disclaimer.
it allows them to be....well....vindicated. no matter how 'out of pocket' their actions are.
don't think i am comparing you to him. i'm not.
there is no comparison.
"i told you this was how it would be."
disclaimer.
"everything else goes on the back burner"
disclaimer
"the thing i am most afraid of is you finding out i am not the man you think i am"
disclaimer
"just let time pass. if we are really IT for each other is will become clear in time."
disclaimer
don't think i don't have compassion for your situation. because i do. you are in a tricky spot. which prompted me to have to get out.
i mean you were right. if you really are for me and i really am for you....it will be. but i can't mask my disappointment. and i can't help that i am hurt.
i had high hopes for the prospect that you offered.
i'm not even sure if that makes sense.
i should always read the fine print when there's a package deal that seems too good to be true.
all of this is me working it out.
i meant what i said,
i love you. no condition. no pretense.
so if it means loving you in relation to her and all of this mess....so be it. at some point i will be able to embrace that.
but for now...
i am NOT the first runner-up.
i am MISS FUCKING AMERICA.
dear so and so part deux...
since the beginning there has been a magnetic pull...the unchanging variable of the desire for proximity...
...i remember when you first really registered in my mind...i barely knew you...but sitting on the edge of your couch i was drawn. the pull to be near you was overwhelming. leaning on your shoulder not out of necessity but with avidity.
you leaned into it, and let our knees touch under the table with anomalous intimacy...
i can't recall when i started loving you...but at this point can't extract a time when i didn't...
it was rocky from the jump and we justified our fervent desire by ensuring one another that each uneven part of the path could only forge a stronger connection...
"if we can last through this we can get through anything"
...and we subsisted...which given our individual circumstances is a prodigious feat...
..and now we are on the other side of the aforementioned struggles with the supposed and collectively gained superpowers to overcome anything...
except...
...our predisposed tendencies remain...
perhaps it wasn't outside forces after all...because the quiet after the storm still carries on it the whisper of extirpation...
but i have rapaciously resisted our demise...and weary from battle i finally pause...glance around and realize i have fought my way alone...you have vacated the premises...so here i am...
...suspended without harness, vast precipice beneath me, missing one shoe, waiting for the other shoe to drop (your grasp is inches from my reach)...you listlessly extend toward me..."sorry..." your eyes say as you turn...
i acquiesce...resolute in my surrender, close my eyes and free fall...knowing that the other shoe has, in fact, dropped and remembering that being barefoot isn't so bad after all...especially with feet as pulchritudinous as mine...
...i remember when you first really registered in my mind...i barely knew you...but sitting on the edge of your couch i was drawn. the pull to be near you was overwhelming. leaning on your shoulder not out of necessity but with avidity.
you leaned into it, and let our knees touch under the table with anomalous intimacy...
i can't recall when i started loving you...but at this point can't extract a time when i didn't...
it was rocky from the jump and we justified our fervent desire by ensuring one another that each uneven part of the path could only forge a stronger connection...
"if we can last through this we can get through anything"
...and we subsisted...which given our individual circumstances is a prodigious feat...
..and now we are on the other side of the aforementioned struggles with the supposed and collectively gained superpowers to overcome anything...
except...
...our predisposed tendencies remain...
perhaps it wasn't outside forces after all...because the quiet after the storm still carries on it the whisper of extirpation...
but i have rapaciously resisted our demise...and weary from battle i finally pause...glance around and realize i have fought my way alone...you have vacated the premises...so here i am...
...suspended without harness, vast precipice beneath me, missing one shoe, waiting for the other shoe to drop (your grasp is inches from my reach)...you listlessly extend toward me..."sorry..." your eyes say as you turn...
i acquiesce...resolute in my surrender, close my eyes and free fall...knowing that the other shoe has, in fact, dropped and remembering that being barefoot isn't so bad after all...especially with feet as pulchritudinous as mine...
dear so and so part 3 and counting...
you told me you were selfish...i guess i should have listened.
i witnessed the way you spoke to her, about her...that should have registered as a red flag. and i've been through what she went through...but i didn't see...
i saw what i wanted to...and that tends to skew the image...
you showed me glimpses of how emotionally unattached and cold you could be...but i looked past it...because that's what i do...
...i gave you room to fuck up...and i never held you accountable...because in this state of human condition we learn the most from compassion...
and i never faltered...
...what you saw is what you got...because who i am is apparent in all moments...and i don't try to hide the parts that are shadowed...
..ok. so, i know you are young...and maybe just not really there YET...but shouldn't you be on your way? i mean at 25 shouldn't you have an idea? or at least learn to slow your roll until you can speak the truth assuringly...
"i want to be with you forever"
what?
...forever is a mighty long time, my friend (?), and you can't even make it through a week without some bipolar mid-twenties roller coaster of emotion...
"am i too immature and self-conscious for you ?"
...can i change my answer?
yes...yes, you are...
...and i should have known better...
i mean in the beginning you had to convince me...
"i want to make so many promises to you but i am just going to show you with my actions..."
oh...and you have shown me...everything i need to know...
...and i've loved you regardless...so in effect it's partly my fault...for making it so easy for you...perhaps if i had challenged you more you would have acted like a man...
"i love you, weezy"
really?
...ok...now i'm being bitter...i can say that i have had moments where i felt loved...in fact, at times it was kind of overwhelming...especially given the manic nature of how you expressed it...
...and really...that's what i have been so attached to...the moments where you allowed yourself to be tender...but...now i see in some ways it must have been contrived...or love really is just a fleeting emotion for you...
...sim said it best, "he doesn't really add anything to you. you are you with or without him...yeah, he might be funny or make you laugh...but in the long run you aren't really getting anything out of it...and more often than not...he makes you sad."
...it's about checks and balances...when you add it all up, what do you have?
well...it seems that, with me, you have accumulated a pile up of overdraft charges and unpaid checks (in the form of promises that you did end up making but not keeping)...
...and i can't afford to cover you anymore...the price is too high...and your stock is plummeting...
...and she was right, when i think about it...what do you have to offer me? what am i learning? i was willing to settle for the love...because as i said before, the way you love is overwhelmingly appealing...so are the (empty) promises...well, they would be if there was any merit behind them...it's a girls dream the things you say and the conviction with which you say them...except...ergh!!!! then i wake up...and there you are...but you aren't the you that was there a minute ago...oh shit...i fell for it again...
...you've always said you aren't REALLY good at anything but 'lightweight' good at a lot of things...well if you could make a career out of lip service then you'd be the highest paid in the industry...
...but this is your cross to bear...
...i came correct. with my full self. full integrity. i didn't even play the games i sometimes do. i gave us my best, my all. AND I NEVER FALTERED. so i can rest. my heart will heal.
...but you, well you have to live with your actions...your ego might not let you see it now...but the truth is you never 'did right by me'...but the deeper truth is...that you didn't do right by you. when you lie you really only lie to yourself...the only progress that you really dampen by being untruthful and acting outside of integrity is your own...
...because...i really am 'movin' on up'...with or without you...well...without you because the inconsistency of your actions has been holding me back...
...my path is about facing forward and learning from those things that have caused me to stray so i will recognize them next time...and move along...
...and speaking of moving along...
...i think i've said enough...i've done enough...i've given enough...
...and it's time i leave well enough alone...
i witnessed the way you spoke to her, about her...that should have registered as a red flag. and i've been through what she went through...but i didn't see...
i saw what i wanted to...and that tends to skew the image...
you showed me glimpses of how emotionally unattached and cold you could be...but i looked past it...because that's what i do...
...i gave you room to fuck up...and i never held you accountable...because in this state of human condition we learn the most from compassion...
and i never faltered...
...what you saw is what you got...because who i am is apparent in all moments...and i don't try to hide the parts that are shadowed...
..ok. so, i know you are young...and maybe just not really there YET...but shouldn't you be on your way? i mean at 25 shouldn't you have an idea? or at least learn to slow your roll until you can speak the truth assuringly...
"i want to be with you forever"
what?
...forever is a mighty long time, my friend (?), and you can't even make it through a week without some bipolar mid-twenties roller coaster of emotion...
"am i too immature and self-conscious for you ?"
...can i change my answer?
yes...yes, you are...
...and i should have known better...
i mean in the beginning you had to convince me...
"i want to make so many promises to you but i am just going to show you with my actions..."
oh...and you have shown me...everything i need to know...
...and i've loved you regardless...so in effect it's partly my fault...for making it so easy for you...perhaps if i had challenged you more you would have acted like a man...
"i love you, weezy"
really?
...ok...now i'm being bitter...i can say that i have had moments where i felt loved...in fact, at times it was kind of overwhelming...especially given the manic nature of how you expressed it...
...and really...that's what i have been so attached to...the moments where you allowed yourself to be tender...but...now i see in some ways it must have been contrived...or love really is just a fleeting emotion for you...
...sim said it best, "he doesn't really add anything to you. you are you with or without him...yeah, he might be funny or make you laugh...but in the long run you aren't really getting anything out of it...and more often than not...he makes you sad."
...it's about checks and balances...when you add it all up, what do you have?
well...it seems that, with me, you have accumulated a pile up of overdraft charges and unpaid checks (in the form of promises that you did end up making but not keeping)...
...and i can't afford to cover you anymore...the price is too high...and your stock is plummeting...
...and she was right, when i think about it...what do you have to offer me? what am i learning? i was willing to settle for the love...because as i said before, the way you love is overwhelmingly appealing...so are the (empty) promises...well, they would be if there was any merit behind them...it's a girls dream the things you say and the conviction with which you say them...except...ergh!!!! then i wake up...and there you are...but you aren't the you that was there a minute ago...oh shit...i fell for it again...
...you've always said you aren't REALLY good at anything but 'lightweight' good at a lot of things...well if you could make a career out of lip service then you'd be the highest paid in the industry...
...but this is your cross to bear...
...i came correct. with my full self. full integrity. i didn't even play the games i sometimes do. i gave us my best, my all. AND I NEVER FALTERED. so i can rest. my heart will heal.
...but you, well you have to live with your actions...your ego might not let you see it now...but the truth is you never 'did right by me'...but the deeper truth is...that you didn't do right by you. when you lie you really only lie to yourself...the only progress that you really dampen by being untruthful and acting outside of integrity is your own...
...because...i really am 'movin' on up'...with or without you...well...without you because the inconsistency of your actions has been holding me back...
...my path is about facing forward and learning from those things that have caused me to stray so i will recognize them next time...and move along...
...and speaking of moving along...
...i think i've said enough...i've done enough...i've given enough...
...and it's time i leave well enough alone...
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