the first night you came to my house i wore those yellow shoes. remember?
the next time was after the goodbye dinner for your friend returning to france. we watched a movie and afterwards you said,
"do you think it would be ok if i kissed you?"
and we kissed on the floor.
and you slept beside me that night.
and night after night after that.
i could regurgitate a million other moments that took place between then and now...but that's not the point of this letter...
...yes, as always, there is a point.
the last few letters have been about releasing you...
about surrendering to the reality that our 'timing and placement' has consistently been 8 degrees off...or 7 degrees...
isn't that it?
it's 3 mintues til 10...and i'm 7 minutes too late...
i guess as a virgo i'm predisposed to want to be on time.
so this letter is about releasing me...
i missed my 'train to rome'...not because i was late but because i didn't board.
because i couldn't. the lack of timing was throwing off my equilibrium...
which wouldn't allow me to leave the platform...
our interactions have been an epoch...altering my existence...the brief frenetic moments in which our paths have synchronized were epic in effect...leaving me reeling and imbalanced...unable to ground myself, suspended in a parallel plane of love induced vertigo...
and you fed the dizziness by spinning stories of our torrent love affair in different time zones...knowing that i take words in and file them...verbatim. but when i projected myself nine hours ahead i saw that even if the timing was finally right it would be temporary...and the affect would be cataclysmic...
at times i am impulsive in my actions. which leads me to later, after any consequence has settled, question myself...
"if i had just sat still longer maybe things would be different..."
"maybe i shouldn't have pushed so hard..."
"what if i'd given him more time..."
i live in the shadow of mercury, the planet of intellect and reason, causing me to replay my actions with constant analysis. inventing variant scenarios that could have led the end result to shift my present reality...
but then, so do you...or at least you are astrologically predisposed to...
i think this has caused us to instate a "what if..." clause...
so we've perpetuated our anastomosis. working part-time on making the procedure stick...but our pre-existing conditions caused complications...and this type of concatenation takes more than minimal effort...
and so it was time to pull the plug.
and we've called it.
"time of death: 6/23/2008 2:54:00 AM"
and, as with all quietus, there is mourning...
which only lessens with the passing of time...and, being hours ahead, it's already thursday for you...
and being a man of affectation, you have shifted with apparent ease...
so in our own ways we both surrender...
acknowledging that our aggregated growth was climacteric
but knowing with finality that...
our meter has expired and we've both run out of quarters...
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