...we have all heard this right?
i mean, it's the basis of human survival. put your hand in the fire and you will pull it out with blistered skin and inevitable pain. don't do it again...easy, right? throughout our growing years our parents are constantly saying, "don't do this, wear a helmet, put your coat on, etc. etc.". and we act out the appropriate rebellion and through painful experience discover that they were, in fact, most of the time right. lesson learned. and those who didn't learn...well, that can be closely correlated to darwins theory: survival of the fittest (or at least those more likely to maximize their human potential). but there seems to be (as always) an exception to this intelligence. (i am sure you know where this is going)
matters of the heart.
there seems to be something missing in the genetic coding of the evolved human being that keeps us from making mutually beneficial choices when it comes to relations of the amorous kind. it could be caused by the ever increasing arrogance of humans. the more we have the more we want, the more we can make the more we desire different from what we already have. it's a cycle that has lead us to the desecration of 'family values', health, the very ground we walk on (or more appropriately all over). every year things get bigger (tv's, cars, credit limits, houses, the insatiable beast of consumption). what gets lost in all this is the effect that is has on our interpersonal relationships. the desire for 'MORE, BETTER, BIGGER!!' has transferred over from a capitalist system set up to prey on the weakness of the consumer. now we capitalize on each other.
as humans we have the desire to be loved or at least to be touched tenderly...even if we aren't equipped to love back. so we "borrow" so to speak...take from someone who is willing to give with the half-hearted intentions of finding, along the way, the means to pay it back. it becomes a habit. and we get good at it. like any game, when played frequently the technique gets better and better. we come up with disclaimers that give a false sense of vindication from any feeling of responsibility for our actions or the casualties that are result. instead of taking the time to develop the skills, integrity, space, and desire to really have a loving balanced relationship that initiates equal gain, we irresponsibly jump into relations without forethought for the quick fix...instant gratification.
there is usually a speech that goes along with this...that makes you feel as though you have done your civic duty...the disclaimer. we have all heard it and probably given it. sounding something like, "i am not ready for a relationship. i am working on myself. it not about you it's about me. i don't want a boyfriend/girlfriend but i really like you. and so on..." and this would all be fine if the next step was not first the kiss, the tumbling into bed, and the pseudo-relationship that is created. whoever made up the term "friends with benefits" was most certainly trying to justify actions of the specious kind.
you may be wondering, "what's the problem here?"
well...there is no problem if both parties are in for this kind of relationship. but the truth is there is a limit to the length of time this can work, if at all. inevitably one of the two always wants something more...usually from the beginning (and sadly it's more often the woman).
women have this strange idea that if we sleep with him and show him how wonderful we are in all other ways that he will eventually fall in love or at least get used to having us around and from this become available despite his earlier monologue clearly stating emotional unavailability. so we pose as the perfect counterpart, act totally okay with the nonchalance of the arrangement, and bide our time. what's going on in the mind of the man in this case??? well, he is most likely: enjoying the sex, soaking up the attention and care-taking that she is pulling out all the stops to deliver, and not doing much thinking at all. he gave the disclaimer...he told her straight up where he was at...so now he is free to benefit from it, right? well...if men were as brain-damaged as women like to think they are then yeah is suppose he would be free from any question of guilt in this case. but they are not. in fact, most men i know engaging in this type of "relationship" know exactly what's going on...even if it's only a little voice in the back of their mind. but it just feels so damn good and he can justify it because, again, he told her what was up...
here's the thing about the choices we make and small lies we tell others and more importantly ourselves...it comes at a cost. and no matter what your 'bank of justification' leads you to believe...your balance is never that high and the line of credit is low. in fact...when dealing with emotion (especially the feelings of other people) there is no credit...it's a 'cash on delivery' situation. and when you don't 'pay as you go' the debt you accrue comes with a seizing of property in the form of karmic retribution. and each time you revisit the same situation without the "lesson learned" the interest rate is higher. to the point where it's impossible even to pay the minimum balance and the karmic-creditors come knocking at your door (literally in some cases of the particularly disgruntled partner).
where does this leave you?? well...standing there with your empty pockets hanging out, looking stupid, with a load of unpaid bills in your hands, and probably a reputation that will follow you no matter where you go. all that for a little instant gratification...moments of pleasure at the cost of someone else. the price is too high to pay with irreconcilable damage that ends in a total loss...and the YOU are the only real loser.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
letting go...
the phrase is defined as:
let go:
1. to release one's grasp or hold.
2. to free; release
3. to dismiss, forget, discard
perhaps it is a matter of perception but this seems, when thinking in terms of emotion, to be an improbable and somewhat nonsensical feat. yet this term is used frequently as a crucial step to healing from emotional hardships. especially when referring to relationships; the unsuccessful ones. the implication here is that something must be done.
one must "let go" in order to proceed. yet there is nothing tangible to 'hold on' to. so in a sense it is an idea that is fastened to...and how can one free or release themselves from an idea?? the desire for 'forgetting' or 'dismissal' seems to be a set up...one with a disappointing outcome.
let's break it down by definition:
let verb- To give permission or opportunity to; allow
go verb- To move or proceed, to keep or be in motion
here is where it starts to make more sense. the focus in 'letting go' is as stated above by definition, a dismissal, a release, a freeing of sorts. and in terms of relationships it is the act of doing this in relation to the 'other'. but if we take the meaning of the words individually and then place them back together, it becomes something different.
the phrase shifts. perhaps it is just my desire to keep all things in the positive...or to remain empowered through action that does not have the 'other' holding so much weight. the revision of this becomes about giving permission or the allowance to move or proceed in motion. forward motion.
THIS i can wrap my mind, heart, and any other necessary parts around.
within this structure it becomes clear there is no secret to "letting go". it is just being. an avowal to be in the now. there is no need to 'let go' of your past (no matter how sordid or painful) or speculate about the future. you now have permission to just move ahead, toward the things to come...but with the focus of your current coordinates. you can activate your own go button. here the 'other' becomes nothing more than part of the process with which you got to where you are right now, and in a sense gets amalgamated becoming unrecognizable as anything more than just that.
and the automatic trickle down effect is that without effort you have effectively let (in the true sense of the word) so you can now go.
i believe that we are always a fully realized culmination of our past, present, and future. IN every moment we are the essence OF every moment; those previously passed through, presently experiencing, and ones that have yet to manifest. and in light of this it is important to maintain connection with your whole being.
the traditional sense of the phrase 'let go' does not allow for this, but instead creates resistance within the self. within this internal tussle 'letting go' truly does become paradoxical. this seems counter-intuitive...not to mention ineffective and unproductive.
through integration of all things past, present, and future one can see...can feel the light in places that seemed shadowed by tumultuous affairs. the clarity of the self becomes present in the basking of this convergence.
you become like the river; consequently flowing and simultaneously present at the source, along the bank, and in the sea...with this truth the realization is...
you can only dam(n) yourself.
let go:
1. to release one's grasp or hold.
2. to free; release
3. to dismiss, forget, discard
perhaps it is a matter of perception but this seems, when thinking in terms of emotion, to be an improbable and somewhat nonsensical feat. yet this term is used frequently as a crucial step to healing from emotional hardships. especially when referring to relationships; the unsuccessful ones. the implication here is that something must be done.
one must "let go" in order to proceed. yet there is nothing tangible to 'hold on' to. so in a sense it is an idea that is fastened to...and how can one free or release themselves from an idea?? the desire for 'forgetting' or 'dismissal' seems to be a set up...one with a disappointing outcome.
let's break it down by definition:
let verb- To give permission or opportunity to; allow
go verb- To move or proceed, to keep or be in motion
here is where it starts to make more sense. the focus in 'letting go' is as stated above by definition, a dismissal, a release, a freeing of sorts. and in terms of relationships it is the act of doing this in relation to the 'other'. but if we take the meaning of the words individually and then place them back together, it becomes something different.
the phrase shifts. perhaps it is just my desire to keep all things in the positive...or to remain empowered through action that does not have the 'other' holding so much weight. the revision of this becomes about giving permission or the allowance to move or proceed in motion. forward motion.
THIS i can wrap my mind, heart, and any other necessary parts around.
within this structure it becomes clear there is no secret to "letting go". it is just being. an avowal to be in the now. there is no need to 'let go' of your past (no matter how sordid or painful) or speculate about the future. you now have permission to just move ahead, toward the things to come...but with the focus of your current coordinates. you can activate your own go button. here the 'other' becomes nothing more than part of the process with which you got to where you are right now, and in a sense gets amalgamated becoming unrecognizable as anything more than just that.
and the automatic trickle down effect is that without effort you have effectively let (in the true sense of the word) so you can now go.
i believe that we are always a fully realized culmination of our past, present, and future. IN every moment we are the essence OF every moment; those previously passed through, presently experiencing, and ones that have yet to manifest. and in light of this it is important to maintain connection with your whole being.
the traditional sense of the phrase 'let go' does not allow for this, but instead creates resistance within the self. within this internal tussle 'letting go' truly does become paradoxical. this seems counter-intuitive...not to mention ineffective and unproductive.
through integration of all things past, present, and future one can see...can feel the light in places that seemed shadowed by tumultuous affairs. the clarity of the self becomes present in the basking of this convergence.
you become like the river; consequently flowing and simultaneously present at the source, along the bank, and in the sea...with this truth the realization is...
you can only dam(n) yourself.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
men prefer sluts...
I know that it’s a title like this that potentially make me unpopular with the males species. Perhaps, if this applies to you, you will take offense. There is that rare species of man with which integrity is intrinsic. This is not for (or about) you…
I have stated before that I am, or set the intention to, not be flippant with my intimate interactions. I need connection, understanding, spiritual awareness, to put it simply I need true intimacy. This is a tricky matter, however, because the exposure of these elements requires the passing of time. The (consistent) imperfect state of being human doesn’t often allow or demand this elapse based on innate desire for physical human contact. This is where relating can have the propensity to convolute. The desire to ‘know’ someone often involves allowing them into your space and seeing how you energetically fit. In this space boundaries can blur and the potential cross over into territory that is not yet mapped interferes with the pre-stated prerequisite of timing (and placement).
We (as women) have made it too easy. Whether it’s out of need, lack of self respect, or not holding ourselves up to the standard that we should be, we have become too easy to attain. Or is it that they (as men) have learned to play the game too well? Hmmmm…I suspect a bit of both. If you wish to wait and connect on other, deeper more informative, levels before inviting sexual intimacy you risk being called a prude. If you give it up to easily you risk not feeling good about your choices or becoming just another conquest...a notch on the bedpost, so to speak.
And if you aren’t willing to capitulate without protestation you can rest assure that there is another woman in the peripheral willing to give it up in your place. So, what transpires is that sex becomes a way in which we insure and “claim” our man…but certainly not without an exorbitant deductible; and believe me…you will pay…all fine print has hidden fees.
As a woman, I feel I am socially encouraged to daintily position my sexuality on the exterior of where it instinctively resides (on reserve for those with the awareness to comprehend it’s merit) and to use it as a selling point for my level of desirability. To wear it, so to speak, as an accessory; the perfect necklace to go with any outfit. This way I am guaranteed to attract the opposite sex, which in the end is the goal, right?…ummm…right?
Unless of course you seek depth beyond the bait, cast, and reel sport.
In light of this and being someone of intellect and reason I have decided, from experience with this game, to postpone the display until I am ensured that the connection extends below the surface level. At which point I would delight in offering the key to my secret garden. This alternative action is not from a lack of desire but rather a discomfort with frivolity.
My thinking in this is that a man of quality will see this as an obvious act of self respect and self preservation which would in turn encourage a deeper level of respect and recognition from his part.
*insert ‘wrong answer’ sound effect here
The truth is that men actually prefer sluts.
This sounds like a value judgment…and perhaps it is. My observation and experience has been that if I don’t ‘give it up’, someone else will. And this well known fact allows for these apparent men of quality to reverse the script.
While keeping their own false sense of integrity intact they can claim, when I refuse to ‘put out’ that I am any one of the following: dispassionate, closed off, shut down, uninterested (which by this point is accurate), or just plain ‘not that sexual’ (that’s my favorite one). As though my circumspection of circumstances under which I am willing to share this space with a man is the defining factor of the level of sexuality or sensuality that exist in my being.
These men often do not, in fact, respect or desire a woman that is self assured, self preserved, or self respecting. They desire a woman who is self sacrificing and willing to jump out of her pants, dress, panties or whatever other accessory she has chosen to accentuate her displayed sexuality, when he deems it time to do so.
And plenty of women are willing and ready to comply. And where does this leave those of us who are steadfast in our hesitation to show and tell? I seem to, by default, become all of those things I have been accused of out of sheer disgust of the game.
So what is a girl to do? You are seemingly damned if you “do” him and damned if you “don’t” him…but if you “don’t” him then at least you still do you…integrity and sense of self intact.
The catch 22 about insurance is that you end up paying and arm and a leg (and in this case perhaps your whole body) for it and it rarely actually covers the damage. And it always has an expiration date (often without notice). Given this reality your best option package is to yield cautiously, drive offensively, wear your seatbelt and learn to merge with grace. Time will pass and the true identity of his intentions will be revealed regardless of the fine print. At least then your policy is, in fact, in good hands.
I have stated before that I am, or set the intention to, not be flippant with my intimate interactions. I need connection, understanding, spiritual awareness, to put it simply I need true intimacy. This is a tricky matter, however, because the exposure of these elements requires the passing of time. The (consistent) imperfect state of being human doesn’t often allow or demand this elapse based on innate desire for physical human contact. This is where relating can have the propensity to convolute. The desire to ‘know’ someone often involves allowing them into your space and seeing how you energetically fit. In this space boundaries can blur and the potential cross over into territory that is not yet mapped interferes with the pre-stated prerequisite of timing (and placement).
We (as women) have made it too easy. Whether it’s out of need, lack of self respect, or not holding ourselves up to the standard that we should be, we have become too easy to attain. Or is it that they (as men) have learned to play the game too well? Hmmmm…I suspect a bit of both. If you wish to wait and connect on other, deeper more informative, levels before inviting sexual intimacy you risk being called a prude. If you give it up to easily you risk not feeling good about your choices or becoming just another conquest...a notch on the bedpost, so to speak.
And if you aren’t willing to capitulate without protestation you can rest assure that there is another woman in the peripheral willing to give it up in your place. So, what transpires is that sex becomes a way in which we insure and “claim” our man…but certainly not without an exorbitant deductible; and believe me…you will pay…all fine print has hidden fees.
As a woman, I feel I am socially encouraged to daintily position my sexuality on the exterior of where it instinctively resides (on reserve for those with the awareness to comprehend it’s merit) and to use it as a selling point for my level of desirability. To wear it, so to speak, as an accessory; the perfect necklace to go with any outfit. This way I am guaranteed to attract the opposite sex, which in the end is the goal, right?…ummm…right?
Unless of course you seek depth beyond the bait, cast, and reel sport.
In light of this and being someone of intellect and reason I have decided, from experience with this game, to postpone the display until I am ensured that the connection extends below the surface level. At which point I would delight in offering the key to my secret garden. This alternative action is not from a lack of desire but rather a discomfort with frivolity.
My thinking in this is that a man of quality will see this as an obvious act of self respect and self preservation which would in turn encourage a deeper level of respect and recognition from his part.
*insert ‘wrong answer’ sound effect here
The truth is that men actually prefer sluts.
This sounds like a value judgment…and perhaps it is. My observation and experience has been that if I don’t ‘give it up’, someone else will. And this well known fact allows for these apparent men of quality to reverse the script.
While keeping their own false sense of integrity intact they can claim, when I refuse to ‘put out’ that I am any one of the following: dispassionate, closed off, shut down, uninterested (which by this point is accurate), or just plain ‘not that sexual’ (that’s my favorite one). As though my circumspection of circumstances under which I am willing to share this space with a man is the defining factor of the level of sexuality or sensuality that exist in my being.
These men often do not, in fact, respect or desire a woman that is self assured, self preserved, or self respecting. They desire a woman who is self sacrificing and willing to jump out of her pants, dress, panties or whatever other accessory she has chosen to accentuate her displayed sexuality, when he deems it time to do so.
And plenty of women are willing and ready to comply. And where does this leave those of us who are steadfast in our hesitation to show and tell? I seem to, by default, become all of those things I have been accused of out of sheer disgust of the game.
So what is a girl to do? You are seemingly damned if you “do” him and damned if you “don’t” him…but if you “don’t” him then at least you still do you…integrity and sense of self intact.
The catch 22 about insurance is that you end up paying and arm and a leg (and in this case perhaps your whole body) for it and it rarely actually covers the damage. And it always has an expiration date (often without notice). Given this reality your best option package is to yield cautiously, drive offensively, wear your seatbelt and learn to merge with grace. Time will pass and the true identity of his intentions will be revealed regardless of the fine print. At least then your policy is, in fact, in good hands.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
perfectly imperfect...
this is about growth...
it is about action, reaction, cause, and effect...and all those gray areas that fall between the comas that separate the words...
i live in the shadow and brilliance of the 'human condition'...my innate quality of perfection lies in the spirit...my extremely raw state of error subsists in the manifestation of flesh that forms the earth bound existence...point in fact...
as a human i am destined to be flawed...to makes 'mistakes'...
this is about choices...
each time i turn left instead of right my path is altered...it maintains direction, but the exact coordinates are shifted enough to cause a chain of (re)action that changes the course...
perhaps it is all chance or maybe it is predestined...regardless the route i take has the power to shape my forward motion or my energetic stand still...
this is about responsibility...
in believing that i am (em)powered, i assume the liability that all things post-action are of my own accord. that i am unable to be victimized...and that spiral effect is, indeed, my doing. and this includes casualties. meaning the affect of the surrounding forces are also a liability. and in truth of this i must act accordingly...
as though each act can (and most likely will) set in to motion a chain of events that will shift my posture as well as that of others...
in light of this (in)sight i am posed with the incessant conflict of reason and judgement vs. passion and appetite.
my human form (flawed and laden with desire) begs to be satiated. while on the contrary my spirit self asks for reflection and meditation before action.
it seems, at a glance, to be an easy argument for either side.
pleasure is seemingly harmless and satisfying.
forethought is a legitimate and proper way to formulate choices.
i have experienced the former as reckless (not to mention the precursor to those aforementioned 'mistakes').
and the later has proved to dispel my innate fire and dampen my verve.
this is about balance...
in order to find this harmonious point of being i must factor in the practical application of my center. to apply the strength that radiates from my core in order to allow for the amalgamation of passion and reason. to fuel my action from all of my natural resources.
here is where i find tranquility...where my weapons are unnecessary and my battle wounds heal...and i walk forward on my path without the need for armor. here is where i find truth. and when i falter, lose my footing, or step backwards...Here is where i will return.
i remain flawed...and my decision to exist in and attempt to maintain this balance is my constant variable...which in itself is blemished given my [human] condition...but i subsist in convergence with this Path...and in this i succeed.
perfectly imperfect.
sat nam
it is about action, reaction, cause, and effect...and all those gray areas that fall between the comas that separate the words...
i live in the shadow and brilliance of the 'human condition'...my innate quality of perfection lies in the spirit...my extremely raw state of error subsists in the manifestation of flesh that forms the earth bound existence...point in fact...
as a human i am destined to be flawed...to makes 'mistakes'...
this is about choices...
each time i turn left instead of right my path is altered...it maintains direction, but the exact coordinates are shifted enough to cause a chain of (re)action that changes the course...
perhaps it is all chance or maybe it is predestined...regardless the route i take has the power to shape my forward motion or my energetic stand still...
this is about responsibility...
in believing that i am (em)powered, i assume the liability that all things post-action are of my own accord. that i am unable to be victimized...and that spiral effect is, indeed, my doing. and this includes casualties. meaning the affect of the surrounding forces are also a liability. and in truth of this i must act accordingly...
as though each act can (and most likely will) set in to motion a chain of events that will shift my posture as well as that of others...
in light of this (in)sight i am posed with the incessant conflict of reason and judgement vs. passion and appetite.
my human form (flawed and laden with desire) begs to be satiated. while on the contrary my spirit self asks for reflection and meditation before action.
it seems, at a glance, to be an easy argument for either side.
pleasure is seemingly harmless and satisfying.
forethought is a legitimate and proper way to formulate choices.
i have experienced the former as reckless (not to mention the precursor to those aforementioned 'mistakes').
and the later has proved to dispel my innate fire and dampen my verve.
this is about balance...
in order to find this harmonious point of being i must factor in the practical application of my center. to apply the strength that radiates from my core in order to allow for the amalgamation of passion and reason. to fuel my action from all of my natural resources.
here is where i find tranquility...where my weapons are unnecessary and my battle wounds heal...and i walk forward on my path without the need for armor. here is where i find truth. and when i falter, lose my footing, or step backwards...Here is where i will return.
i remain flawed...and my decision to exist in and attempt to maintain this balance is my constant variable...which in itself is blemished given my [human] condition...but i subsist in convergence with this Path...and in this i succeed.
perfectly imperfect.
sat nam
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
side-swiped...
My spiritual and emotional coding requires me to surrender to the consistent presence of timing and placement. I have accepted the situations in my past where I have been a little ‘off’ in my choices. I allow these circumstances to absorb into my artillery and give me the strength that is necessary for the recognition of my higher purpose. I keep returning to the line, assuming position, and firing hoping that this time I might be more on point. And like all things we frequent my aim gets better…meaning the degree from which I am off my desired mark lessens each time I strike.
There have been those targets from time to time who from the first look have an affect. That without effort or necessary intention place themselves within my sites. And from this anomalous draw we line up perfectly without any question of purpose. These types of interactions aren’t frequent but hold the kind of weight that is epic in result. We speak the same language, with or without words, and with a fervor that is inspirational by recognition.
[From the first time I saw you I recognized a light in you that you weren’t even fully aware of at the time. And your brilliance, though hidden from the untrained eye, was apparent to me. But at that time we were both distracted. Both still drowning in patterns of the downward spiral. Time passed. But interactions such as ours, that elapse on the core level, always resurface from the subaqueous depths. By the next time we crossed paths we had developed the tools to breathe out of water. And with our new found capacity we had the ability for synchronal exchange.
The thing about our collaboration is the way my ears take in your words is as intimate as the way my mouth translates your kiss. So I am transformed. So the shifting of our direction didn’t alter the profundity.
This is proof that patterns change. Because I don’t need anything from you. I don’t attach any of my old expectations of the “now what”. There is only the now. And the knowledge that some people are meant to be. Not to be ‘this’ or be ‘that’…but just be. We interface on common ground.
I express sentiment without expectation. And you understand that intimacy comes in many forms. And although we don’t engage on the physical level…we hold depth beyond the flesh. And it is with that emotional ravine we can connect and share the force that comes from this expression.]
To disavow the existence of such epochal sentiments would compromise the authentic exposure that comes from allowing truth and integration to be my guiding force. I am humbled in the appearance of such dynamism. And I acquiesce to the truth that is revealed. I am unfastened from my patterning and disengaged from my barriers.
With this comes the human condition to fear such emotional and spiritual nudity. And I am, at times, like a deer in headlights staring blankly at my new found ‘rawness’. The transformation has not been subtle. In fact I feel as though I’ve been side-swiped. But in the end (not that there is an end to such a journey) I can glance in the rear-view mirror and then revert my eyes forward with the knowledge that the minor damage is covered. A full coverage insurance policy underwritten by the divine. This allows my sight to maintain clarity. And I remain stripped to my core with the knowledge that my fortification comes from this deeper place.
There have been those targets from time to time who from the first look have an affect. That without effort or necessary intention place themselves within my sites. And from this anomalous draw we line up perfectly without any question of purpose. These types of interactions aren’t frequent but hold the kind of weight that is epic in result. We speak the same language, with or without words, and with a fervor that is inspirational by recognition.
[From the first time I saw you I recognized a light in you that you weren’t even fully aware of at the time. And your brilliance, though hidden from the untrained eye, was apparent to me. But at that time we were both distracted. Both still drowning in patterns of the downward spiral. Time passed. But interactions such as ours, that elapse on the core level, always resurface from the subaqueous depths. By the next time we crossed paths we had developed the tools to breathe out of water. And with our new found capacity we had the ability for synchronal exchange.
The thing about our collaboration is the way my ears take in your words is as intimate as the way my mouth translates your kiss. So I am transformed. So the shifting of our direction didn’t alter the profundity.
This is proof that patterns change. Because I don’t need anything from you. I don’t attach any of my old expectations of the “now what”. There is only the now. And the knowledge that some people are meant to be. Not to be ‘this’ or be ‘that’…but just be. We interface on common ground.
I express sentiment without expectation. And you understand that intimacy comes in many forms. And although we don’t engage on the physical level…we hold depth beyond the flesh. And it is with that emotional ravine we can connect and share the force that comes from this expression.]
To disavow the existence of such epochal sentiments would compromise the authentic exposure that comes from allowing truth and integration to be my guiding force. I am humbled in the appearance of such dynamism. And I acquiesce to the truth that is revealed. I am unfastened from my patterning and disengaged from my barriers.
With this comes the human condition to fear such emotional and spiritual nudity. And I am, at times, like a deer in headlights staring blankly at my new found ‘rawness’. The transformation has not been subtle. In fact I feel as though I’ve been side-swiped. But in the end (not that there is an end to such a journey) I can glance in the rear-view mirror and then revert my eyes forward with the knowledge that the minor damage is covered. A full coverage insurance policy underwritten by the divine. This allows my sight to maintain clarity. And I remain stripped to my core with the knowledge that my fortification comes from this deeper place.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
sex with an ex...
Ok…so I know…I know that I wrote the seemingly conclusive “ex-files” (you know the one where we decided that the ex-factor is always a bad idea) which might lead you to wonder why, not very long after, I am writing this…
Because…as we all know…on this path towards brilliance, there is a tendency to falter. Enough said.
Back to the sex. And the ex.
I have always made it a point to not be promiscuous or casual in my intimate interactions. Mostly because it just doesn’t seem like a good idea. And it’s not safe. And I just can’t open myself up like that unless I know (or at least think) the person has some level of spiritual integrity. Seems like a decent plan, right? Well…there’s a catch…because you see…I HAVE allowed myself, on occasion, to slip back into a bed I’ve been in before. My logic (?): it doesn’t really count because we’ve done it before. I know, logic is clearly the wrong word…rationalization is probably a better one.
This pretty much brings us up to date.
The expectation with this “recycled lover” is that you already know each others bodies and it will most likely be good(ish). And a connection has already been established so it will be emotionally safe and comfortable
*insert ‘wrong answer’ sound effect here*.
The truth of the matter (at least most of the time, and in this case) is that it has much of the same disappointment that is produced by a one night stand. With the added bonus of a can-of-worms the has been opened and now needs to be dealt with…
Not only is it usually disappointing, but the ever-present reason why you chose not to be together in the first place looms over the situation like a rain cloud…not that it’s totally void of a silver lining. I mean…physically there may be some ‘in the moment’ satisfaction…but instant gratification comes with a cost.
Because there’s the next day…
And the day after that…and it’s easy to get lost in a downward-spiral of thoughts of attachment, “what if?”, and worst of all regret…
it’s particularly dangerous for me because I have the tendency to conveniently ‘forget’ the past. Tucking away my reasoning for exiting stage left in the first place and reveling in the moment. And I wake up the next morning with the residue of sweetness from the night before and sentimental staging for what might happen next. With the glow of rose colored eye balls (I don’t wear glasses to bed) I roll over to stare at the face lying next to me. Nostalgic emotions give me the allowance to smile safely and sigh from the sheer pleasure of human contact.
And then I leave…opening the front door and walking out into the day feeling good about all that has transpired. But…when the light of morning hits the still fresh thoughts of what happened it creates the beginning of a shadow. And by the time I reach my car and open the door I have already shed the sweetness and realize that (even though I always carry a toothbrush) there is a sour taste in my mouth.
And as I drive away I try to salvage the euphoria of the previous night, I try to pull up the file and scan through to find the goods….but (as I have already mentioned) no matter how I rearrange it…the words read the same.
Defendant: guilty as charged. CASE CLOSED.
Or at least it was supposed to be…
Apparently I should step down as judge. Because I allow appeals to be heard and override the verdict a little to often. ‘Guilty’ has become relative.
The most disturbing part isn’t necessarily the act…I mean that’s the least of it…but that I am willing to settle for mediocre interactions with someone I have already decided wasn’t ‘it’. And that for a brief moment I actually allow myself to change my view of the situation and entertain thoughts of rekindling some sort of romance that didn’t serve me then and certainly doesn’t serve me now…
The moral of this story…
Recycled lovers should be taken immediately to the curb, placed in the blue bin, and taken to the factory. From here he can be truly broken down and turned into something unrecognizable, sustainable, and actually useful. The sordid and used past becomes POST-CONSUMER waste…
Because…as we all know…on this path towards brilliance, there is a tendency to falter. Enough said.
Back to the sex. And the ex.
I have always made it a point to not be promiscuous or casual in my intimate interactions. Mostly because it just doesn’t seem like a good idea. And it’s not safe. And I just can’t open myself up like that unless I know (or at least think) the person has some level of spiritual integrity. Seems like a decent plan, right? Well…there’s a catch…because you see…I HAVE allowed myself, on occasion, to slip back into a bed I’ve been in before. My logic (?): it doesn’t really count because we’ve done it before. I know, logic is clearly the wrong word…rationalization is probably a better one.
This pretty much brings us up to date.
The expectation with this “recycled lover” is that you already know each others bodies and it will most likely be good(ish). And a connection has already been established so it will be emotionally safe and comfortable
*insert ‘wrong answer’ sound effect here*.
The truth of the matter (at least most of the time, and in this case) is that it has much of the same disappointment that is produced by a one night stand. With the added bonus of a can-of-worms the has been opened and now needs to be dealt with…
Not only is it usually disappointing, but the ever-present reason why you chose not to be together in the first place looms over the situation like a rain cloud…not that it’s totally void of a silver lining. I mean…physically there may be some ‘in the moment’ satisfaction…but instant gratification comes with a cost.
Because there’s the next day…
And the day after that…and it’s easy to get lost in a downward-spiral of thoughts of attachment, “what if?”, and worst of all regret…
it’s particularly dangerous for me because I have the tendency to conveniently ‘forget’ the past. Tucking away my reasoning for exiting stage left in the first place and reveling in the moment. And I wake up the next morning with the residue of sweetness from the night before and sentimental staging for what might happen next. With the glow of rose colored eye balls (I don’t wear glasses to bed) I roll over to stare at the face lying next to me. Nostalgic emotions give me the allowance to smile safely and sigh from the sheer pleasure of human contact.
And then I leave…opening the front door and walking out into the day feeling good about all that has transpired. But…when the light of morning hits the still fresh thoughts of what happened it creates the beginning of a shadow. And by the time I reach my car and open the door I have already shed the sweetness and realize that (even though I always carry a toothbrush) there is a sour taste in my mouth.
And as I drive away I try to salvage the euphoria of the previous night, I try to pull up the file and scan through to find the goods….but (as I have already mentioned) no matter how I rearrange it…the words read the same.
Defendant: guilty as charged. CASE CLOSED.
Or at least it was supposed to be…
Apparently I should step down as judge. Because I allow appeals to be heard and override the verdict a little to often. ‘Guilty’ has become relative.
The most disturbing part isn’t necessarily the act…I mean that’s the least of it…but that I am willing to settle for mediocre interactions with someone I have already decided wasn’t ‘it’. And that for a brief moment I actually allow myself to change my view of the situation and entertain thoughts of rekindling some sort of romance that didn’t serve me then and certainly doesn’t serve me now…
The moral of this story…
Recycled lovers should be taken immediately to the curb, placed in the blue bin, and taken to the factory. From here he can be truly broken down and turned into something unrecognizable, sustainable, and actually useful. The sordid and used past becomes POST-CONSUMER waste…
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
dear so and so...the final love letter...
the first night you came to my house i wore those yellow shoes. remember?
the next time was after the goodbye dinner for your friend returning to france. we watched a movie and afterwards you said,
"do you think it would be ok if i kissed you?"
and we kissed on the floor.
and you slept beside me that night.
and night after night after that.
i could regurgitate a million other moments that took place between then and now...but that's not the point of this letter...
...yes, as always, there is a point.
the last few letters have been about releasing you...
about surrendering to the reality that our 'timing and placement' has consistently been 8 degrees off...or 7 degrees...
isn't that it?
it's 3 mintues til 10...and i'm 7 minutes too late...
i guess as a virgo i'm predisposed to want to be on time.
so this letter is about releasing me...
i missed my 'train to rome'...not because i was late but because i didn't board.
because i couldn't. the lack of timing was throwing off my equilibrium...
which wouldn't allow me to leave the platform...
our interactions have been an epoch...altering my existence...the brief frenetic moments in which our paths have synchronized were epic in effect...leaving me reeling and imbalanced...unable to ground myself, suspended in a parallel plane of love induced vertigo...
and you fed the dizziness by spinning stories of our torrent love affair in different time zones...knowing that i take words in and file them...verbatim. but when i projected myself nine hours ahead i saw that even if the timing was finally right it would be temporary...and the affect would be cataclysmic...
at times i am impulsive in my actions. which leads me to later, after any consequence has settled, question myself...
"if i had just sat still longer maybe things would be different..."
"maybe i shouldn't have pushed so hard..."
"what if i'd given him more time..."
i live in the shadow of mercury, the planet of intellect and reason, causing me to replay my actions with constant analysis. inventing variant scenarios that could have led the end result to shift my present reality...
but then, so do you...or at least you are astrologically predisposed to...
i think this has caused us to instate a "what if..." clause...
so we've perpetuated our anastomosis. working part-time on making the procedure stick...but our pre-existing conditions caused complications...and this type of concatenation takes more than minimal effort...
and so it was time to pull the plug.
and we've called it.
"time of death: 6/23/2008 2:54:00 AM"
and, as with all quietus, there is mourning...
which only lessens with the passing of time...and, being hours ahead, it's already thursday for you...
and being a man of affectation, you have shifted with apparent ease...
so in our own ways we both surrender...
acknowledging that our aggregated growth was climacteric
but knowing with finality that...
our meter has expired and we've both run out of quarters...
the next time was after the goodbye dinner for your friend returning to france. we watched a movie and afterwards you said,
"do you think it would be ok if i kissed you?"
and we kissed on the floor.
and you slept beside me that night.
and night after night after that.
i could regurgitate a million other moments that took place between then and now...but that's not the point of this letter...
...yes, as always, there is a point.
the last few letters have been about releasing you...
about surrendering to the reality that our 'timing and placement' has consistently been 8 degrees off...or 7 degrees...
isn't that it?
it's 3 mintues til 10...and i'm 7 minutes too late...
i guess as a virgo i'm predisposed to want to be on time.
so this letter is about releasing me...
i missed my 'train to rome'...not because i was late but because i didn't board.
because i couldn't. the lack of timing was throwing off my equilibrium...
which wouldn't allow me to leave the platform...
our interactions have been an epoch...altering my existence...the brief frenetic moments in which our paths have synchronized were epic in effect...leaving me reeling and imbalanced...unable to ground myself, suspended in a parallel plane of love induced vertigo...
and you fed the dizziness by spinning stories of our torrent love affair in different time zones...knowing that i take words in and file them...verbatim. but when i projected myself nine hours ahead i saw that even if the timing was finally right it would be temporary...and the affect would be cataclysmic...
at times i am impulsive in my actions. which leads me to later, after any consequence has settled, question myself...
"if i had just sat still longer maybe things would be different..."
"maybe i shouldn't have pushed so hard..."
"what if i'd given him more time..."
i live in the shadow of mercury, the planet of intellect and reason, causing me to replay my actions with constant analysis. inventing variant scenarios that could have led the end result to shift my present reality...
but then, so do you...or at least you are astrologically predisposed to...
i think this has caused us to instate a "what if..." clause...
so we've perpetuated our anastomosis. working part-time on making the procedure stick...but our pre-existing conditions caused complications...and this type of concatenation takes more than minimal effort...
and so it was time to pull the plug.
and we've called it.
"time of death: 6/23/2008 2:54:00 AM"
and, as with all quietus, there is mourning...
which only lessens with the passing of time...and, being hours ahead, it's already thursday for you...
and being a man of affectation, you have shifted with apparent ease...
so in our own ways we both surrender...
acknowledging that our aggregated growth was climacteric
but knowing with finality that...
our meter has expired and we've both run out of quarters...
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